18 Juni 2016, just a same days as usual, wake up at 5am, and drive
to work at 6am.When i get to my work place, i've got 44 missed call. It is from
my aunt, my dad, my cousin and from my brother. I call my brother straight away
back, and i can heard his voice is shaking and he only said "mum..". My world
just being dark, and i can't hold my tears, yes my lovely mum passed away.
She was suffering from arthritis for more than 20 years. She had 3 surgery on her knees, 2 surgery on her elbow. She was suffering to stand up after sitting down, pain to go up stairs, Can not take the jeans off, and sometime can not take the shirt off. and my dad, my brother always help her off. Pain in the bones is absolutely not fun at all. There is a pain on every move. But she was doing great. She go through it for 20 years. In 2013, she got breast cancer, and the cancer has been spread through her lungs, bones, and liver. she had nose bleeding, and vomiting blood too.it feel terrible. I only watch, and i even can feel the pain. Once again, she was doing great. She never whinging, and keep everyone calm down, with saying "i am okay". But we knew that is not okay if your nose bleeding three times a day. My aunt, my cousin, my brother, and i fly back to our home town that day.everybody waiting us to give our last kiss. On the funeral, i always said to everybody, "at least she is not in pain anymore". I have tried my best to hide my tears. Cover it up with smile, because i know she watching me from up there.
Lucky i have husband, who always support me, he fly straight back when he heard this sad news, accompany me for the hardest day i ever had and he always remind me, that my mum watching me cry, and definetely she does not like it. When i cry, he not ask me to stop crying, he listen and just hug me tight and said "just remember how good, how strong and how beautifull she was. Now she have no pain, no tears. she can run, she can eat a big yellow ice cream as much as she can. and She is Happy in the right place. and she keep eye on you. She know you are sad, but do you really want your mum live in pain for another 10 years? if you miss her, just talk to her, like what i did, i am still talk to my mum too! I believe they will still hear what we said. They are our mum. They always love us! Unconditionally. Their body was gone, but not in our heart."That makes me feel more much better. My husband is right. Now when i remember my mum, i laughed and cry in the same time. I'd cry because she is gone, laugh because she watching me cry and imagine what she gonna said when she saw me silly crying.
I remember on out last family dinner, she have asked me to have another children. A girl grand children. She even asking my husband her self. She can not speak english, but at that dinner, she ask him "i want one like that" she was pointing Tobias, my cousin's son. and my husband said "yes, but you have to wait one more year" and she replied "promised?" and my husband reply her back "yes promise".Three of us was laughed and we keep that promises, my husband and i really expect that she will survive, to look after her grand children. I believe she really really wanted to, but her body not let her to wait. I know she was not mean to break the promise. And i know she keep waiting in up there.
Time flies, now it almost a month she is gone, leave me in here alone. No more arguing, no more laughed, no more smirk, no more late call, no more early morning text, no more hug, no more kiss, no more spoiled little girl, no more little daughter, no more princess, no more mum. oh my!!
Little bit about us, my mum and i have so much differences. If she choose black, i choose white. If she agree with A, i agree with C. She always choose branded things, and i prefer the cheap no brand one. She said that "money can not lie" it means if you pay more, you get better quality. We always have something to argue about.
But this moment, have changed me alot. All the memories with her is flashing back every single days.
I remember one day i have bought macbook, and she smiling to me said "i am happy finally you can spoiled your self". Which she know i never did. I always have crap shirt, or cheap dress, or shit shoes, and always happy to buy things in op shop. I know there is nothing wrong buy stuff in op shop, i always love op shop, but my mum as usual, she had different thought about it. One day before my wedding, i bought expensive bra (about $60, which usually i bought $15ea), and she teasing me "how its feel? You feel better? Have you feel more confidence? And one more secret, it will long last". And we both just laughed. Well, yes, i agree with her!
I am flashing back all silly conversation between me and my mum. One fine day, she told me "i dont want long life, if God take me now, i am ready, because i never regret with my life. I have been through all the good and bad. I was have unlimited money, i was have nothing to eat, but the important things is i am happy with my life.if we die, we did not bring anything."
By that, i try to changes my self, i am trying valued my self better. I do not wants to have regret in this life. I started look after my self better. I more concern about my life balances, which i dont have it in the last 2 years. All i knew is work, work and work. I want to earn money as much as i can earn, but i will spend it as a little as i can But my mum changes me. I have told my boss that i only wants to work maximum 8 hours/ days, which before i was work 15 hour/day in 2 places. I know it was crazy, i never cared about my self, i never look after my self. i always tired and sleepy. but at that time, i do not care. She always upset when she called me and know i was yawning sixty times in 10 min.
On thursday, the 14 of July, i have birthday, and i am waiting text from my mum. Which usually she text me 11.59pm a day before. Haha i am silly, but i did it. the text that i expected, was not coming, but i have great birthday this year, compare to 10 years back. I always have bad day on my own birthday. But you know what? it is very hard to spoiled my self. I use to work that much, i use to earn that much, but now more bit little. And so many guilty coming up. When i bought good quality of jug, $50, at home , i am not excited to open it when i get home. Still in the boxes, i just watching it and keep my hand in my head, and ofcourse i keep asking my self, "why i bought his expensive stuff? i can have food for 3 days with that money. should i refund it?". I have a look on my old jug, and inside looks terrible. the stain is going off, and i might drink the stain when it goes completely off. Well, i deciced not to refund it, and just today i opened and just use it. i believe my mum will happy to see me to spoiled my self.
Many regrets coming when she gone. I have not been spoiled her, i have not make her happy, i even keep whinging about the bill. I have promised her 5 years ago to buy her a house. Everyone laughed when heard my promise to my mum, but my mum take it seriously, and with proud she said "if Lova said she will, she wil, because she know what she said, and i trust her". She does not care about anybody else. She trust me, and that is the point to me. I was very jealous with my brother, because mum always more worry about him, and seems she does not care about me. when i get my working holiday visa to go to Australia, she seems relax, no worry and no many question from her. I asked her one day why she seems does not care and do not worry about me get adventure. And this is what she said "because you are survivor and i trust you more than your brother that you can look after your self, and i believe that you so smart, and you will never ever let your self starving". At that time, i can not accept her answer. Because i am jealous. i thought, even i can look after my self, she should be worry about me. did she? But she is obviously not.
Now after she was gone, i remember every words she was said, and i understand her.i definetely not blaming her, because i knew she know me better.
Sometime i asking my self, "did my mum proud to have daughter like me? did she happy with me? do i have make her happy in the last years before she gone?". And i remember what she said on the time we talking, she said "i always love you. no matter what other people said about you, i trust you". Maybe that is not the answer for my questions, but remember what she said on hospital, i believe that she proud to have me. If there is life after life, i want to be once again be her daughter. I will trat her better, i will make her happier, i will make her more proud to have me.
Now i believe, know she is smiling in up there, watching me look after my self better.
She was suffering from arthritis for more than 20 years. She had 3 surgery on her knees, 2 surgery on her elbow. She was suffering to stand up after sitting down, pain to go up stairs, Can not take the jeans off, and sometime can not take the shirt off. and my dad, my brother always help her off. Pain in the bones is absolutely not fun at all. There is a pain on every move. But she was doing great. She go through it for 20 years. In 2013, she got breast cancer, and the cancer has been spread through her lungs, bones, and liver. she had nose bleeding, and vomiting blood too.it feel terrible. I only watch, and i even can feel the pain. Once again, she was doing great. She never whinging, and keep everyone calm down, with saying "i am okay". But we knew that is not okay if your nose bleeding three times a day. My aunt, my cousin, my brother, and i fly back to our home town that day.everybody waiting us to give our last kiss. On the funeral, i always said to everybody, "at least she is not in pain anymore". I have tried my best to hide my tears. Cover it up with smile, because i know she watching me from up there.
Lucky i have husband, who always support me, he fly straight back when he heard this sad news, accompany me for the hardest day i ever had and he always remind me, that my mum watching me cry, and definetely she does not like it. When i cry, he not ask me to stop crying, he listen and just hug me tight and said "just remember how good, how strong and how beautifull she was. Now she have no pain, no tears. she can run, she can eat a big yellow ice cream as much as she can. and She is Happy in the right place. and she keep eye on you. She know you are sad, but do you really want your mum live in pain for another 10 years? if you miss her, just talk to her, like what i did, i am still talk to my mum too! I believe they will still hear what we said. They are our mum. They always love us! Unconditionally. Their body was gone, but not in our heart."That makes me feel more much better. My husband is right. Now when i remember my mum, i laughed and cry in the same time. I'd cry because she is gone, laugh because she watching me cry and imagine what she gonna said when she saw me silly crying.
I remember on out last family dinner, she have asked me to have another children. A girl grand children. She even asking my husband her self. She can not speak english, but at that dinner, she ask him "i want one like that" she was pointing Tobias, my cousin's son. and my husband said "yes, but you have to wait one more year" and she replied "promised?" and my husband reply her back "yes promise".Three of us was laughed and we keep that promises, my husband and i really expect that she will survive, to look after her grand children. I believe she really really wanted to, but her body not let her to wait. I know she was not mean to break the promise. And i know she keep waiting in up there.
Time flies, now it almost a month she is gone, leave me in here alone. No more arguing, no more laughed, no more smirk, no more late call, no more early morning text, no more hug, no more kiss, no more spoiled little girl, no more little daughter, no more princess, no more mum. oh my!!
Little bit about us, my mum and i have so much differences. If she choose black, i choose white. If she agree with A, i agree with C. She always choose branded things, and i prefer the cheap no brand one. She said that "money can not lie" it means if you pay more, you get better quality. We always have something to argue about.
But this moment, have changed me alot. All the memories with her is flashing back every single days.
I remember one day i have bought macbook, and she smiling to me said "i am happy finally you can spoiled your self". Which she know i never did. I always have crap shirt, or cheap dress, or shit shoes, and always happy to buy things in op shop. I know there is nothing wrong buy stuff in op shop, i always love op shop, but my mum as usual, she had different thought about it. One day before my wedding, i bought expensive bra (about $60, which usually i bought $15ea), and she teasing me "how its feel? You feel better? Have you feel more confidence? And one more secret, it will long last". And we both just laughed. Well, yes, i agree with her!
I am flashing back all silly conversation between me and my mum. One fine day, she told me "i dont want long life, if God take me now, i am ready, because i never regret with my life. I have been through all the good and bad. I was have unlimited money, i was have nothing to eat, but the important things is i am happy with my life.if we die, we did not bring anything."
By that, i try to changes my self, i am trying valued my self better. I do not wants to have regret in this life. I started look after my self better. I more concern about my life balances, which i dont have it in the last 2 years. All i knew is work, work and work. I want to earn money as much as i can earn, but i will spend it as a little as i can But my mum changes me. I have told my boss that i only wants to work maximum 8 hours/ days, which before i was work 15 hour/day in 2 places. I know it was crazy, i never cared about my self, i never look after my self. i always tired and sleepy. but at that time, i do not care. She always upset when she called me and know i was yawning sixty times in 10 min.
On thursday, the 14 of July, i have birthday, and i am waiting text from my mum. Which usually she text me 11.59pm a day before. Haha i am silly, but i did it. the text that i expected, was not coming, but i have great birthday this year, compare to 10 years back. I always have bad day on my own birthday. But you know what? it is very hard to spoiled my self. I use to work that much, i use to earn that much, but now more bit little. And so many guilty coming up. When i bought good quality of jug, $50, at home , i am not excited to open it when i get home. Still in the boxes, i just watching it and keep my hand in my head, and ofcourse i keep asking my self, "why i bought his expensive stuff? i can have food for 3 days with that money. should i refund it?". I have a look on my old jug, and inside looks terrible. the stain is going off, and i might drink the stain when it goes completely off. Well, i deciced not to refund it, and just today i opened and just use it. i believe my mum will happy to see me to spoiled my self.
Many regrets coming when she gone. I have not been spoiled her, i have not make her happy, i even keep whinging about the bill. I have promised her 5 years ago to buy her a house. Everyone laughed when heard my promise to my mum, but my mum take it seriously, and with proud she said "if Lova said she will, she wil, because she know what she said, and i trust her". She does not care about anybody else. She trust me, and that is the point to me. I was very jealous with my brother, because mum always more worry about him, and seems she does not care about me. when i get my working holiday visa to go to Australia, she seems relax, no worry and no many question from her. I asked her one day why she seems does not care and do not worry about me get adventure. And this is what she said "because you are survivor and i trust you more than your brother that you can look after your self, and i believe that you so smart, and you will never ever let your self starving". At that time, i can not accept her answer. Because i am jealous. i thought, even i can look after my self, she should be worry about me. did she? But she is obviously not.
Now after she was gone, i remember every words she was said, and i understand her.i definetely not blaming her, because i knew she know me better.
Sometime i asking my self, "did my mum proud to have daughter like me? did she happy with me? do i have make her happy in the last years before she gone?". And i remember what she said on the time we talking, she said "i always love you. no matter what other people said about you, i trust you". Maybe that is not the answer for my questions, but remember what she said on hospital, i believe that she proud to have me. If there is life after life, i want to be once again be her daughter. I will trat her better, i will make her happier, i will make her more proud to have me.
Now i believe, know she is smiling in up there, watching me look after my self better.
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